Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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