She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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