Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
