that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
