Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
