Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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