i permit you to call me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The air was thick with penises
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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