ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
