If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
