Moan for me like Helen Keller
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
