That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
