So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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