I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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