2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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