When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
