I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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