the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
