Got a toothbrush?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
