My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Boobs speak an international language.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
