Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
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The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
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He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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