If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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