Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it hurts more in the daytime
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
