Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
