im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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