Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
