Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
