You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Found the puke drawer
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
