I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
