Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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