five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
