so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
