It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
