so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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