Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
