I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
