My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
