dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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