so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
