Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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