ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
