I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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