I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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