I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
