sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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