Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
