so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
