I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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