My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
