last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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