True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
