so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
