I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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