so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
