I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
