when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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