Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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