Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
