if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
