6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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