just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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