Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
