I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
