i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
