The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
